The Mortal Kazoo
by threwthedoor
Summary: When Valentine obtains the forgotten fourth Mortal Instrument, Clary and friends must stop him from destroying Idris.


_One thousand years ago, the Angel Raziel appeared before Jonathan Shadowhunter, bearing three Holy Objects; the Mortal Instruments. The Mortal Cup, the Mortal Sword, and the Mortal Mirror, which took the form of Lake Lyn, were given to the Nephilim to aid in their eternal war against demons _

_Unbeknownst to Jonathan Shadowhunter, the Angel bequeathed a fourth Mortal Instrument to the Nephilim, the Mortal Kazoo. In the hands of a noble soul, it could summon the Hosts of Heaven. In the hands of a wicked and cruel soul, it would summon all the Hosts of Hell._

_Now, in the thick of the Mortal War, Valentine has obtained this elusive weapon, and will use it to make war against all who oppose him. The only hope for the alliance of Shadowhunters and Downworlders is to stop Valentine at all costs._

The screams of demons and Shadowhunters alike filled the air. It was as loud as a rock concert, only there weren't scantily dressed women high on ecstasy trying to grope your ass. Well, maybe there were. I don't know. Oh, also, there was a lot of blood, cause people were dying. The sky was red with blood. Kind of like how the sky is usually blue because of the water in our atmosphere, but there was so much blood it turned red. I know it's unrealistic, but just roll with it.

Anyway, the demons were galloping, running, slithering, bouncing, jumping, hobbling, prancing, dancing, hopping, and rolling their way into Idris. Shadowhunters everywhere were freaking the fuck out. Jocelyn Fray, who was hiding in a bunker like a pussy, decided to send her daughter and her friends into the battle to go find Valentine.

"But moooooom," Clary whined, "we'll die!"

"Oh, uh, o-oh no… I think I'm going to faint again." Jocelyn fell down and laid limp as Alec's dick in Emerald City.

"MOMMY NO DON'T GO TO SLEEP AGAIN! THAT WOULD BE THE WORST THING!" Clary ran out crying as Jace, who was wearing a leather jacket, sunglasses, skintight jeans, and combat boots, pulled the cigarette out of his mouth and chuckled.

"Hey mamma be cool. We're gonna make it," he said as he hugged Clary. He smelled like money and weed.

Clary sobbed into his shoulder. "Oh Jace, I'm so glad you're not actually my brother. Could you imagine? An incestuous relationship in a book for kids? That will _never_ happen!"

Just then Sebastian or Jonathan or whatever his name is pulled up on a Harley. His leather jacket was bigger and had more zippers than Jace's, which made him more attractive.

"Hey baby, want some fuck?" he said with a wink. Clary swooned and ripped her clothes off as Sebastian fucked her right there in the street. Clary moaned as ecstasy shot through her body. Not the drug, the emotion. She writhed and wriggled like a worm covered in fire ants as Sebastian squirted his love juice into her.

"This ain't right," said Jace, taking a drag from his cigarette like a cool cat.

Simon came running down the street, laughing like an idiot and probably high as fuck. "Hey Clary, check out the sweet tattoo I got on my forehead." He pointed above his brow where a rune shaped like a dick was forever inked into his skin.

"Simon what the fuck," ejaculated Clary, both verbally and literally. "I'm busy with my new boo-boo."

"Sorry babe, it just ain't working for us," said Sebastian. He hopped back on his Harley and sped off into the night.

Clary cried and fell back into Jace's arms. Simon was too stoned to care. Isabelle and Alec, who had been in the bathroom taking selfies, finally joined our heroes, both of them wearing excessive amounts of makeup.

"Gang's all here," said Jace with a smirk. "Let's do this shit."

All was quiet outside Idris. Wait, no. It was loud. Like a rock concert. Yeah. Okay, but then it got _really_ loud. Suddenly, a black Chevy convertible with flame decals burst through a wall, flying through the air in slow motion before landing right on top of Maryse, killing her.

"Oh shit, my mom," said Isabelle. Jace just laughed and kept driving, weaving in between demons and dead bodies. He spotted a Ramp demon and couldn't resist. Accelerating, he shot up the side of the ramp. As the car stopped in midair for dramatic effect, everyone jumped out of the car and landed on the ground as the car crashed down behind them, right on top of Maryse, and exploded.

"Well well well," said Valentine, "you're all awfully late. I didn't want to start the show until I had an audience, and now here you all are."

"Cut the shit," said Alec. "Hand over the Kazoo!"

Valentine lifted the golden Instrument to his mouth and tooted in defiance. A huge, three-headed wolf demon crawled out of the ground and bit Maryse's head off, killing her.

"Oh shit, my mom," said Isabelle.

Jace moved toward him to take the Kazoo, but he kept tooting. Simon recognized it as the theme to Super Mario Bros and bobbed his head, giggling like a moron.

"That's not even how it goes!" roared Alec. He pulled out a seraph blade and charged forward, but the toots had summoned a piranha plant that ate Alec.

Suddenly, Magnus appeared out of nowhere and made the piranha plant turn into smaller piranha plants. Remember the ones from Yoshi's Island? Yeah, those ones. "ALEC-POO!" he sobbed. "NOT MY SNUGGLEPUSS!"

Alec laid there and didn't move. I could tell you if he's alive or dead right now, but I'm not going to. Instead, I'm going to keep writing this shit and make you keep reading until you find out.

"You lil bitch," growled Jace, "I'll cut you."

"Come at me bro," said Valentine.

"NO JACE DON'T DO IT!" cried Clary.

"I wonder how my mom's doing," said Isabelle.

"WAKE UP ALEC-KUN! WE WERE MEANT TO BE TOGETHER FIVE-EVER!" sputtered Magnus.

"Dude, I'm hungry," said Simon.

Suddenly there was a bright light. Out of Lake Lyn rose the Angel Raziel, shining like a helicopter searchlight looking for an escaped convict.

"What's all this then?" said Raziel in an annoying Cockney accent.

"Valentine took the Mortal Kazoo and now he's raising demons!" said Clary, pointing at her dad.

"Nuh-uh!" said Valentine. "She's just trying to get me in trouble!"

"He's lying!"

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"ENOUGH!" roared Raziel. "If you guys can't learn to use the Mortal Kazoo responsibly, then no one can use it!" And with a snap of his fingers, the Kazoo and all the demons vanished.

"Awww…" whined Valentine. "It's not fair!"

"Shut your gab mate!" snapped Raziel. He lifted Valentine high in the air, dangled him above the ground, and dropped him. He fell and exploded on the ground like a water balloon filled with blood. A blood balloon.

"Yay!~" cheered Clary. "The day is saved!"

"Now then," said Raziel, "I am contractually obligated to grant you all one wish. Anything you want, and it is done."

"BRING MY ALEC-SWEETIE BACK!" cried Magnus.

"What?" asked Raziel. "But… you can have anything you want. Money. Power. World peace."

"BRING HIM BACK!"

"He's not even dead."

"BRING HIM BACK!"

"He'll wake up in a few hours."

"BRING HIM BACK!"

"You're a fucking wizard, do it yourse-"

"BRING HIM BACK!"

"ALRIGHT, GEEZ, HOLY SHIT," and with a wave of his hand, Alec woke up.

"Guys, I had the craziest dream," he said with a yawn. "I dreamed I was riding on the back of a green dinosaur…"

Magnus threw his arms around him. "MY FUZZY WUZZY ALEC, YOU'RE… wait, you d-didn't dream about me?" Tears welled up in his eyes, and he ran off crying. "IT'S OVER ALEC! WE'RE THROUGH!"

The sun rose high over Idris. It was a time of celebration, and of mourning. The Lightwoods were burying their son, Max, and grieving. As Robert was digging the grave, the spade on the shovel came loose, flew backwards, and decapitated Maryse.

"Hear ye, hear ye!" said Aldertree, who had gathered everyone into the Hall of the Accords, packing it fuller than a mason jar full of aborted fetuses. "These brave Shadowhunters have saved us all! In recognition of their defeat of Valentine, I name this day, Valentine's day!" The crowd cheered, and everyone went home and had copious amounts of sex, kicking off the worst syphilis epidemic Idris had ever seen.

THE END

OR WAS IT?

Sebastian sat in his apartment, eating Cheetos and watching Sons of Anarchy. "I could burn down the world," he said to himself. "I could do it. But not today."

Clary and Jace converted to Mormonism and had twenty-three kids.

Isabelle and Simon discovered Tumblr and co-created an art/fetish/cooking/Superwholock/social justice/ask blog.

Alec and Magnus eventually made up, and Magnus made Alec immortal. They sodomized each others rumps until the heat death of the universe.

Maryse contracted syphilis and died.

Robert Lightwood, in the wake of the syphilis epidemic, traveled to every Institute, giving seminars on the importance of safe sex.

Jocelyn told Luke that she just wanted to stay friends. Luke promptly donned a fedora and went on Reddit, posting about his feels in r/friendzone (I don't know if that's really a subreddit but it probably is)

OKAY, NOW IT'S REALLY THE END

I APOLOGIZE FOR NOTHING


End file.
